Wednesday, 8 February 2017

Chapter V: Face Off. Yes. I'm Calling This Chapter Face Off and There's Nothing You Can Do About It

For maximum enjoyment, please imagine the following exchanges as seen through 80s style grainy TV footage ala Robocop or that Robot Wars episode of Spaced that referenced Robocop.


Like this.


You are now chatting with a total stranger! Say something interesting other than: ASL?
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You: You have no memory of how you got here, what you’re doing, or even who you are. All you know are your surroundings. You’re in a man-sized cage hanging from the ceiling of a room that’s somewhere between a serial killer’s garage and a butcher’s shop. A creature that looks half human, half washing machine is lurching towards your cage. They are holding what looks like a small, serrated light sabre. 
Stranger: Hi 
You: "Hmmm. Do you know who I am?" the washing machine hybrid asks.
Stranger: Tell me more 
Stranger: I like storyline 
You: "Oh dear. Your positronic brain has reset again," the washing machine hybrid says. "I am Doc Osmium. Your name is Ellis Cobalt."
You: "Damage to your brain means every few minutes your entire memory is wiped and your personality rebuilt from scratch. Oh, also, you're wanted for at least two murders. But you only did one of those," Osmium says.
You: "That's why I've got this," they add, holding up the laser scalpel.
Stranger: Boring 
Your chat has been disconnected. Click here to chat again.

Rude.

You are now chatting with a total stranger! Say something interesting other than: ASL?
Don't forget to Register a profile on iMeetzu to keep track of your new friends.
male: hi
You: You have no memory of how you got here, what you’re doing, or even who you are. All you know are your surroundings. You’re in a man-sized cage hanging from the ceiling of a room that’s somewhere between a serial killer’s garage and a butcher’s shop. A creature that looks half human, half washing machine is standing by your cage. They are holding what looks like a small, serrated light sabre.
You: What do you want to do?
male:   😭
You: "Hey, don't cry..." the washing machine hybrid says. "I've removed your face skin already, the tears will get in your circuitry."
Stranger: wtf
You: "Oh no. It's happened again hasn't it? Tell me, do you remember anything?"
Your chat has been disconnected. Click here to chat again.

You are now chatting with a total stranger! Say something interesting other than: ASL?
Don't forget to Register a profile on iMeetzu to keep track of your new friends.
You: You have no memory of how you got here, what you’re doing, or even who you are. All you know are your surroundings. You’re in a man-sized cage hanging from the ceiling of a room that’s somewhere between a serial killer’s garage and a butcher’s shop. A creature that looks half human, half washing machine is standing by your cage. They are holding what looks like a small, serrated light sabre.
Stranger: Hey
Stranger: ??
You: "Has it happened again?" the washing machine hybrid asked. "Did your memory reset?"
Stranger: Crazy
Your chat has been disconnected. Click here to chat again.

The story so far: Leslie Osmium was a heavy artillery unit during the robot wars, little more than a heavy duty positron canon that had a humanoid limbs, head and mind bolted onto it. During that war Osmium saw many terrible things. Worse, they were responsible for making terrible things happen. After the war Osmium decided that they no longer wanted to be a weapon. They studied android medicine, and eventually opened their own surgery in Tin Town, Utopolis’s robot quarter.
Then one day an android wandered into their surgery, riddled with bullet holes and with no memory of who they were. A quick glance at the news revealed that this was Ellis Cobalt, a former PI who was now on the run for the murder of the trillionnaire tycoon who owned Utopolis, and the detective who had come to investigate the shooting. Still, Osmium was never one to care about why someone ended up in their operating cage. Doc Osmium only cared about how they could help.

You are now chatting with a total stranger! Say something interesting other than: ASL?
Don't forget to Register a profile on iMeetzu to keep track of your new friends.
You: You have no memory of how you got here, what you’re doing, or even who you are. All you know are your surroundings. You’re in a man-sized cage hanging from the ceiling of a room that’s somewhere between a serial killer’s garage and a butcher’s shop. A creature that looks half human, half washing machine is standing by your cage. They are holding what looks like a small, serrated light sabre
Stranger: Asl
You: What do you want to do?
Stranger: Sleep
You: "No! Please! Don't go to sleep!" the washing machine hybrid cries.
You: "Your positronic net is highly unstable as it is!"
Stranger: I want to eat pizza
You: "Okay, I can extrude some pizza from the 3D printer," the washing machine hybrid says, walking over to a machine on the wall.
You: "So, may I assume your memory has reset again? You've forgotten everything?"
Stranger: Broasted chicken also
You: With a churning noise the printer pushes out a pizza and, somehow, a whole roast chicken. It almost looks real. The washing machine hybrid brings it over to your cage and passes it to you.
Stranger: I want to have sex
You: "I'm not even sure your make of android is anatomically capable," the washing machine says. "And I don't have the adaptors to fit you with the appropriate parts."
Stranger: I want Megan Fox
You: "Megan Fox? I'm afraid she died a septegenarian over a hundred years ago," the washing machine robot says.
You: "Greetings. I am Doctor Osmium. I'm afraid you just woke up into a rather perilous situation. Your material needs may have to wait."
Stranger: Ok
You: "The hard news first- you're wanted for murder. Two murders as it happens. But I think you only did one of them," Osmium says. "That's why you're in the cage."
Stranger: I confess
You: "Sorry, I should have explained better. This is my surgery," Osmium says. "We were halfway through facial reconstruction surgery when your brain, which I'm afraid was damaged by an EMP, reset its matrices again, wiping your memory and personality."
Stranger: Good
You: "There are many pressing matters, but right now the most important is, what do you want your new face to look like?"

In case you’re interested, Ellis Cobalt’s original face resembled a cross between Tilda Swinton and Jason Statham. They had the cheek bones of one, the chin of the other, and a nose that was a frightening amalgamation of the two. What Ellis Cobalt will look like from now on, however, is in the hands of this player.

Stranger: Make me Ryan gosling
You: Osmium smiles. "Ahh! One of the classics. If not very discreet. Very well."
Our hero.

You: A thick, rubbery cream pours onto your face, then dries. You open new eyelids to see Osmium holding up a mirror. Ryan Gosling is looking back at you.
Stranger: Hmmm
Stranger: Nice
You: The cage opens. "Now, you'll want your possessions back," Osmium says.
Stranger: Keep it
Your chat has been disconnected. Click here to chat again.

So it begins. A new face, a new ally, a new beginning. Will Ellis use their new start to finally find out what happened to them? Or will they just lock themselves in a cupboard with a 3D food printer and some prosthetic genitals and enjoy the kind of life they so clearly, desperately want whatever their personality?

2 comments:

  1. I really wanted Osmium to just shout "JUST TELL ME: WHO DO YOU WANT TO LOOK LIKE???" each time Ellis shifted.

    I imagine Ellis's whole mien and bearing shifting with each reset, even before they speak. One a hunched, slavering S&M fan (who only wants to go so far). The next an uptight, skittish school-marm-type shocked and affronted by her surroundings (fair enough). The next a languid, peckish hedonist with a penchant for either Megan Fox and/or Ryan Gosling.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yep. This is exactly how I picture them too.

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